blood-sucking bats with beaks

several years ago, someone bought me a pair of birds as a birthday gift. a few months later he came to visit and noticed that the cage was empty. i didn't know how to tell him that I had purposely let them go but I decided to confess. i thought he would have been angry but he just gave me a gentle hug and said he understood - he said he knows there are many people who can't bear to see beautiful birds prevented from flying, experiencing their true nature. it sounded good to me so i went with it.


but what i didn't tell him was the truth is that i just fucking hate birds … and apparently they hate me too. just because they can fly doesn’t make them any cooler than squirrels or skunks – as a matter of fact, I’ve never had a squirrel or a skunk take a shit all over my car. Everyday, there will be hundreds of cars in the parking lot, but my car seems to be carefully targeted. Birds are nothing but flying assholes who will peck out your eyes if you lay still for too long. it would honestly give me immense pleasure to go bird hunting. someone else told me i just have a fear of birds - ornithophobia - yeah, i'll go with that too.